I am more than penitent.
I’m not proud of the things I’ve done in life, or the people I lied to, or the lies I’ve told those people.
Mostly my parents. Mostly my father. Mostly myself.
You see, I avoid things. I avoid things like the plague. No, I avoid things like you avoid seeing someone that you borrowed money from three years ago. You know, the person that’s been nagging you every month for three years, and you’ve worked plenty of jobs since then, yet you still haven’t managed to scrape it together for them. That’s how I avoid things.
And maybe it wouldn’t be so bad if I admitted to myself that I chronically avoid things more often than I get in trouble for avoiding them. Maybe I wouldn’t get in trouble then. Maybe then I’d be okay with moving back in with my father in two weeks. Maybe then I could stand the thought of living under the same roof.
Maybe if I didn’t avoid talking to my father, we wouldn’t scream at each other all the time. Maybe then I’d feel like he still liked me.
Don’t get me wrong– I know my father loves me. He has to. He’s programmed to; I’m part of his gene pool. But sometimes when we talk (read as: yell), I can tell that he doesn’t like me. You see, there’s a big difference. It’s like when someone says “I love you, but I just don’t like you right now.” That’s what it constantly feels like. I feel his judgment. I feel him not liking me.And maybe he doesn’t like me, because he loves me and he knows I can be a better person than what I am.
But, you see…I’m okay with who I am. I’m not a bad person by any means. I’m just not the kind of person that needs constant contact to feel connected with a person. If I don’t see you every day, chances are it doesn’t cross my mind to get in touch with you, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t think about you, or that I don’t care about you.
I like my space. I like my time to myself. I don’t like feeling crowded. I don’t like feeling overwhelmed.
I don’t like walking on eggshells.
But maybe I do it to myself. Maybe avoidance is why I get myself into these messes in the first place.
I haven’t spoken to my father since July 4. I move home in two weeks and I haven’t spoken to him in a month. We need to hash things out and come to an understanding, but how?
How can I help him understand me when I don’t even understand me?